And In the End There is Only Love

It has been quite a while since I have written. Friends, my time as an Invisible Children Roadie is over. I have wanted to post so many times to try and encompass the joys, sorrows, chaotic moments and life lessons that made up my journey. My heart is so full and I feel anew.

The past few weeks have consisted of mumbling 'goodbye' out of blurred eyes to the most incredible human beings, rejoicing over Achellam's capture, trying to straighten out my thoughts and reflect on this adventure, sleeping under the stars among the tallest trees, and looking ahead to where I will go next.

I am sitting here, my last few hours in San Diego before I hop on a plane home to San Antonio, realizing that my heart is overjoyed with all that I have seen, learned, and experienced; yet, I am so broken with all that I am leaving behind. A dear friend, Chris Tuttle, told me that if you did it right it should hurt to leave. And boy, does it hurt. Nate Henn, a beloved Roadie, asked "What is my life?". I find myself asking that same question tonight. Unsteady I walk on what feels to be a tight rope 200 stories high. From up here I can see the world. I can see its sorrows, charms, injustices, kindnesses, and everything in between. Yet with all in sight I feel I am merely watching it happen. I have this nagging perception that my contribution in these 5 months has not been enough to qualify as a dive into the beautiful and divinely mastered mess below me. As far back as I can remember, cliche but quite literally, all I have wanted is to be a part of it- be in it. Let me not stand from afar watching the suffering and hearing the laughter.

What is my Life?
 I have never felt so right and so in place. I have been blessed enough to fight at the forefront of justice, to have worked alongside the most humbling group of people, and to find Jesus in numerous places, experiences and people. Lord, push me off of the tight rope- let me be in the midst of Your work forever.

Who am I? 
A seemingly simple question asked as part of the application for this internship. The funny thing is that I knew as I filled out the application that I actually had no idea how to answer that. I wrote and wrote trying to formulate an assortment of words that would explain the unknown, even to me, qualities of Lindsey. So many people told me that I would 'find myself' on the road. I haven't found myself, but I have discovered 2 things:
1. I will never find myself. I will spend my life searching, but if this journey has taught me anything it is that the length to which a human can be stretched and can grow will never allow oneself to be found. We are ever evolving, ever learning, ever improving.
2. I am overjoyed with the realization that I am simply an instrument. I have been purchased at the price of the Son of God- Jesus Christ. I can breathe, walk, blink, dance only because of His grace. I am an instrument, placed on this earth temporarily to be a note in the eternal orchestra that is His glory. I am to be used for His peace, justice, love, and all else that is He.

I have learned to Love
I came to Invisible Children because I love God and I love people. After this internship I recognize that I am not completely sure if I really knew how to fully love. This is what I have determined.
Roadie Lessons on Love
1. When people genuinely love other people, the world WILL change.
2. God loves even the worst of sinners- who am I, a broken and dirty sinner, to do anything else. Love Joseph Kony. Pray for his salvation.
3. Strangers will love you and you will love strangers. Once you realize we are all just fighting the good fight judgements fade and love rushes in.
4. Love through the hate for we are not of this world.
    We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we       endure it. 1 Cor 4:12
5. Love grows always. I did not know I could love my teammates any more than I did week one and yet every single day I found more love for them. Your heart can never be too full. Apply this to people you think you cannot love.
6. Learn to love joy, sorrow, bitterness, elation, because that is how you  know you are alive. Remind yourself every day that you are alive- YOU WOKE UP! Praise the Lord!
7. And in the end there is only love. I love my teammates, the Roadie class, the cold and moldy Roadie house showers, the garage jam sessions, the 5AM wake up alarms, the 8 hour booking days, each and every screening. 70 years from now my memory of these things will be wiped away, but I will remember that I loved- and I loved whole heartedly and recklessly.

I guess I am in it after all. I am not just watching from a tight rope. The mess, the chaos that I thought I was merely watching is among us and the solution is love. Only God's love can heal and there is no corner of the globe, no boundary in which God's love cannot go.

What a messy and magnificent season.